Humourous LEGAL DEFINITIONS

ahmed_allaithy

رئيس الجمعية

تاريخ التسجيل: May 2006

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Humourous LEGAL DEFINITIONS

07-27-2006, 01:17 PM

-A- Ad infinitumLatin for forever, without limit, indefinitely - as in how long the lawyer intends to keep billing you.Affidavit A written pack of lies and untruths, when made under oath by an individual and then notarized, becomes a written pack of notarized lies and untruths.Ambulance chasing A high stakes, high speed competitive sport engaged in by personal injury lawyers looking to cause an accident and make a quick score. Amicus curiae Latin for “friend of the court,” as in a lawyer who slips the judge a couple hundred bucks under the table.Appeal Something a person slips on in a grocery store and results in a lawsuit being filed against said store.Arbitration An alternative method of resolving disputes wherein both parties agree to abide by the decision of an arbitrator, who is generally an out of work judge who has lost most of his marbles. <a name="Assault">Assault</a> Touching another with the intent to harm, especially common in instances where the lawyer manages to lose a client’s case.Attorney Fancy term used by lawyers to describe themselves in the telephone yellow page advertisements.Attorney - client privilege The so-called privilege bestowed upon the client wherein he or she receives the contrived benefit of paying the lawyer $100, $200 or more per hour to screw up his or her case.<a name="B"></a> -B-Bad faith An intent to deceive. A tactic often used by lawyers when dealing with their clients.Bail The sum of money a lawyer’s client must pay in order to get released from jail after pummeling his or her rat skunk of a lawyer. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Assault">Assault</a>.”Bankruptcy The formal condition of a person being deemed insolvent under law, a situation a goodly number of people end up in after paying their lawyer’s bill. By declaring bankruptcy, the person agrees to divert his or her remaining assets to the lawyer handling the bankruptcy.Bar exam Formal ceremony held by second year law school students, typically during Spring Break, to determine who in their class can chug down the most tequila in a one hour time frame. Winner is said to have passed the “Bar.”Barrister English derivation of the French term for bastard. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Bastard">Bastard</a>”.<a name="Bastard">Bastard</a> French term for lawyer. As in, “That lawyer’s a bastard - pardon my French.”Bench The comfy throne in which the judge plops his or her considerable posterior during courtroom proceedings.Beyond a reasonable doubt A novel concept in jurisprudence wherein the lawyers on both sides of the case attempt to establish that the other side is lying more than they are. <a name="Bill-able hours">Bill-able hours</a> Hours billed to the client, however; should not be confused with time actually spent working on the case. A complex algebraic algorithm is utilized by lawyers to determine the time they bill to each case. The formula is as follows: time actually spent working on case plus time spent thinking about case while at lunch plus amount of the lawyer’s car payment multiplied by a factor of 4. <a name="Breach of trust">Breach of trust</a> Whenever clients attempt to surreptitiously keep the lawyer from knowing that they still have a little money left in their bank accounts.Bribe A standard operating procedure in the legal profession whereby under the table payola is given by one shady character to another equally questionable character in exchange for preferential treatment; typically lawyer to judge, lawyer to jury member, etc. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Quid pro qou">Quid pro quo</a>.”Burden of proof The requirement demanded by lawyers that their clients prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they have absolutely no more money left in their bank accounts. Once the stringent burden of proof requirement is met, confirming that you’re flat broke, the lawyer feels ethically compelled to withdraw from your case. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Ethics">Ethics</a>.” -C-<a name="Campaign contribution">Campaign contribution</a> Booty contributed by lawyers to judges’ election coffers for the express purpose of receiving preferential treatment from said judges. Judges’ campaign slogans are “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.” Not to be confused with a bribe, which is usually given after the judge has been elected, although both are given for same reason and are equally effective techniques for buying off judges.Capital gain The money a lawyer squeezes from his or her clients.Capital loss The money the client forks over to the lawyer.Capital punishment The lawyer fees the client must pay.Caveat emptor Latin for “let him beware of the lawyer.” Particularly applicable tenet when a client must deal with his or her lawyer.Caveat rumpus Latin for “covering your ass”. An often exercised principle in the legal profession. Also known in legal circles as “CYA.”Challenge for causeLawyer’s option, during the jury selection process, of requesting that a potential juror be rejected if the lawyer determines that the person is unable or unwilling to ignore the evidence and pay attention only to the lawyer’s line of horse hockey.<a name="Change of venue">Change of venue</a> A lawyer’s request to change the trial location so that his Uncle Bob, the on the take judge from Nincompoop County, can preside over the case. Checks and balances A legal phrase for the lawyer making absolutely certain that the client has sufficient balances in his or her bank account to cover the check written to the lawyer.Circumstantial evidence Depending on what side of the case the lawyer is arguing, the same circumstantial evidence can either be 1) a smoking gun proving guilt beyond a shadow of doubt, or 2) a trifling, petty, inconclusive and inconsequential nuisance proving nothing at all.Civil law Quirky American derivation of Roman law wherein lawyers and judges routinely manipulate a written collection of laws that apply to everyone but the lawyers and judges themselves, who are exempt from observance of said laws; practiced by uncivil lawyers in an uncivil environment and administered by uncivil judges in uncivil courtrooms.Class action lawyers The lawyers representing a group of aggrieved plaintiffs in multimillion dollar class action lawsuits who typically receive the millions of dollars in legal fees while their clients in turn receive coupons and discounts as their portion of the windfall award or settlement.<a name="Class action lawsuit">Class action lawsuit</a> The legal equivalent of lawyers winning the lottery; it is an often misapplied machination wherein lawyers work to group together as many people as possible having comparable claims thereby allowing the lawyers to extort huge sums of money for themselves from the defendants while tossing their clients a bone for their trouble. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Class action members">Class action members</a>.”<a name="Class action members">Class action members</a> The group of aggrieved plaintiffs in multimillion dollar class action lawsuits who typically receive coupons and discounts as their portion of the windfall award or settlement.Closing arguments As the trial draws to a conclusion, this is the lawyer’s last ditch ostentatious oratorical effort to bamboozle, baffle and befuddle the jury before deliberations begin. Muddling the facts, confusing the issues and blowing more smoke than a ’71 Pinto spewing exhaust fumes are time honored traditions of the closing argument. Common law Kooky legal doctrine wherein judges are allowed to make up the law as they go along, citing precedents of other knuckle head judges as the basis for their home cooked decisions. Under the table payoffs and campaign contributions from lawyers pleading their cases are common components taken into consideration when common law is determined by judges. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Campaign contribution">Campaign contributions</a>.”Community property Property acquired by a couple during their marriage together and then acquired by the lawyers during the couple’s divorce.Compensatory damages Money awarded by the court to reimburse for a party for actual costs incurred, such as medical bills and lost wages, as well as for harder to measure items like pain and suffering. The lawyers always have first crack on the loot, since they must be reimbursed for their owned trumped up costs, expenses, fees and the like. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Costs">Costs</a>.”Complaint Term for which there are a multiplicity of legal meanings, including: what the lawyer files on behalf of his or her clients to get a lawsuit underway; the constant criticisms the client always has about his or her lousy ass lawyer once the lawsuit is underway.Confession When the accused decides its far better to admit to the crime and face the electric chair than be forced to listen to the loud mouth lawyers for even one more mind numbing minute. Conflict of interest A disturbing and somewhat awkward situation that occurs whenever a lawyer, representing one client, discovers that the opposing party is paying their lawyer a lot more money than his client is paying him. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Breach of trust">Breach of trust</a>.” Conspiracy A sticky situation that occurs when one lawyer attempts to bilk another lawyer out of a fee.Contempt of court By definition, an action that insults the dignity of the court - as if that’s really possible. In reality, anyone that rubs the judge the wrong way may be held in contempt and be forced to fork over a fine or even spend some time in the county cooler.Contingency fee A fee arrangement between the lawyer and his or her clients that stipulates the following: If they lose the case - the lawyer gets nothing. If they win the case - the clients get nothing.Contract An agreement between two or more parties in which an offer is made and accepted. In the legal profession, it’s an agreement between the lawyer and the client which stipulates that the client agrees to pay the lawyer and the lawyer agrees to take the money.Contributory negligence Anything that contributed to your lawyer’s carelessness or indifference during your trial, like the third martini he sloshed down at lunch or his inability to count to ten.<a name="Costs">Costs</a> In the legal vernacular, includes every possible combination of fees, costs, charges, reimbursements, expenses and the like that lawyers are able conjure up in their never ending quest to siphon every dollar from every client each and every time out. It should be mentioned that this task is not nearly as easy as the lawyers make it appear.Court order When the judge notices that is approaching noon, he or she summons the bailiff to place his lunch order.Crime An illegal offense or activity which lawyers are free to perpetrate without consequence, but when committed by anyone else would result in the offender getting thrown in the slammer. Criminal lawyers Aren’t they all?Cross examination When the lawyer becomes a little cantankerous with an uncooperative witness.Culpa lata Latin for gross negligence. A lawyer who concludes a lawsuit with a client who still has some cash remaining is said to be guilty of culpa lata.<a name="D"></a>-D-Damages The financial compensation awarded to an aggrieved party and his or her lawyer, though not necessarily in that order.Defamation A statement that smears a lawyer’s reputation, such as stating the lawyer did a sorry ass job on your case when it was really much closer to a half ass job instead.Default judgment When your lawyer screws up and manages to lose your case and you’re smacked with a judgment against you, generally it’s said to be default of your lawyer. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Malpractice lawsuit">Malpractice lawsuit</a>.”Defendant In criminal cases, the person accused of committing a crime. In civil cases, the poor sucker getting hammered with a lawsuit.Deposition A pre-trial oral examination which is part of the discovery process, wherein the opposing lawyer tediously grills you with the same set of half-witted questions twenty seven different ways, hoping to trip you up and then use the newly acquired “evidence” against you at trial.Directed verdict A judge’s order to the jury to return a specified verdict, generally because one of the lawyers didn’t come through with the payola as promised. Discovery When the lawyer suddenly finds out that the client still has some money left in his or her account.Dissenting vote A conflicting vote that runs contrary to the rest of the jury members. The spoil sport on the jury who casts a dissenting vote and keeps them from getting home in time for Wheel of Fortune is generally considered persona non grata by the balance of the jury members.Divorce A doubly difficult time in a couple’s married life where they are forced to deal with bad feelings and bad lawyers.Divorce lawyer A lawyer whose primary responsibility is to make damn sure you get half and he gets the other half.Docket The official and current court record book listing all of the nonsensical loony tune lawsuits that have been filed of record and will in all likelihood clog that particular court through the year 2020. Double jeopardy Being tried twice for the same offense is illegal. However, being charged twice by your lawyer is perfectly A-OK. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Bill-able hours">Bill-able hours</a>.”Duces tecum Goofy looking Latin words for “bring with you”. Most common in initial meeting with lawyer when you should “bring checkbook with you”. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Retainer">Retainer</a>.”Due process The antiquated and sorely out of touch notion that the laws and all legal proceedings must be fair to all parties concerned.Dufus dilecti Latin for “dead dumb ass,” as in the condition most clients find themselves after dealing with their lawyers.<a name="E"></a>-E-EmbezzleThe hairsplitting and rarely enforced rule dealing with lawyers illegally misappropriating the client’s money into his or her own account by fraudulent means. Picky, picky, picky. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Bill-able hours">Bill-able hours</a>.”<a name="Ethics">Ethics </a> In the old English court system, a set of standards or codes outlining the moral principles, conduct and judgment the lawyers had to adhere to. No known equivalent in the United States legal system. Evidence Proof, presented at trial, that your lawyer actually has a pulse after all.Ex parte communication Latin for “don’t get caught bribing the judge.”Expert witness A witness who is an expert at custom tailoring his so-called expert testimony to fit the particular needs of the lawyer paying his or her tab. Ex post facto Latin for “after your check clears the lawyer’s bank;" this phrase accurately portrays the approximate moment you figure out that your lawyer can’t find his butt with both hands. Extortion The shakedown process lawyers regularly utilize when blackmailing a defendant into submission and making said defendant surrender and run up the white flag and more importantly, fork over some serious cheese. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Lawyer">Lawyer</a>” and “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Class action lawsuit">Class action lawsuit</a>."<a name="F"></a> -F-Felony Serious crime punishable by having a lawyer represent you.Freeloader A good for nothing mooching, blood sucking parasitic leech. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Lawyer">Lawyer</a>."<a name="G"></a>-G-Garnishment The act of seizing a person’s property and/or salary for the purposes of paying off his or her outstanding balance owed to the lawyer.Gavel The wooden hammer the high-and-mighty judge likes to brandish that you’d love to shove up the judge’s high-and-mighty ass. Good faith To conduct one’s self with honesty and without deception. Antonym - lawyers. Grand Jury Member A member of a jury who has been slipped a thousand bucks by a lawyer looking for an inside connection to help to swing the case.Grounds for divorce Discovery by one spouse that the other is having an affair with a lawyer.<a name="H"></a>-H-Habitual offender A half crazed lawyer who just can’t stop himself or herself filing one frivolous lawsuit after another. Harassment An act committed by a client which tends to annoy, irritate or abuse the client’s lawyer. A lawyer who has been the recipient of unsolicited words or actions from his or her client such as name calling and the like, regardless that said actions on the part of the client were justified, is said to have been harassed. Hearsay evidence Secondhand evidence that someone only heard about and did not see or hear firsthand, like when a lawyer hears through the grapevine that the opposing lawyer has slipped the judge a bigger bribe than he did. Hung jury Taken from early Western U.S. law, when jury members who bought into the smooth talking lawyer’s song and dance were routinely hung from the gallows along with the horse thieves.<a name="I"></a>-I-Immunity Biological defense you get when you receive an anti-lawyer vaccine.Indefensible The primary behavioral trait commonly found in all lawyers.<a name="Insolvent">Insolvent</a> Impoverished, broke, ruined, destitute, busted, out of money - the financial condition of the client after the lawsuit is finally over. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Post lawyer syndrome">Post lawyer syndrome</a>." Interrogatories Part of the pretrial discovery process in which the witness is instructed by his or her own lawyer to provide shifty, evasive and half-baked written answers to a set of written questions posed by the opposing lawyer. Said answers are made under oath, which of course means nothing at all these days.Intestate Dying without a will, thereby leaving your inheritance to the lawyers.<a name="J"></a>-J-J.D. Legal abbreviation for “juris doctor.” Slang term for “B.S.”Joint custody Upon being retained to represent the client, the lawyer is said to have obtained joint custody of client’s bank account. Jurisprudence The science of converting the client’s money into the lawyer’s money.Jury A group of six or twelve everyday citizens, who couldn’t figure out how to finagle their way out of jury duty, must now try and figure out which lawyer is lying the least.Jury tamperingA commonly accepted practice in the legal profession, albeit illegal (picky, picky), on the part of one or more lawyers to disrupt the independence of jury members to decide the case based on the facts.Just cause A phrase frequently used by Southern lawyers pertaining to their bills. In the South, lawyers frequently overcharge their clients “just cause” they feel like it.Justice systemA legal system set in place by our country’s founders predicated on the hypothetical premise that somehow lying, cheating, low life lawyers and crooked, corrupt, on the take judges could be trusted to ferret out justice with impartiality and fairness to one and all. <a name="-K-">-K-</a>Kit-and-caboodle Also known as the whole kit and caboodle - how much of your money your lawyer feels he or she is entitled to.<a name="L"></a>-L-Larceny Crimes such as robbery, theft and burglary that are perfectly legal once you obtain a law degree.Law A superficial term loosely and interchangeably used by lawyers and judges alike whenever they feel a need to put the rest of us in our pedestrian places. It is a widely accepted perception within the legal community that lawyers and judges alike are above the law and any rules governing same.Law firms Unseemly groups of lawyers who have banded together under one roof to devise new techniques and stratagems that allow them to take full advantage of loopholes within the law while making great gobs of money in the meantime.Law license A license to steal - and get away with it.<a name="Lawyer">Lawyer</a> Originally derived from early Roman law, meaning “liar,” term has evolved over the years to include other derivatives, including Latin for “scoundrel,” Italian for “shyster,” Greek for “con-artist” and early Texan for “piece of horse poop.”Leading question A question posed by a lawyer that suggests an answer. Such as asking the client “will you be paying by cash or by check?"Legislation Laws passed by lawyers masquerading as politicians for the benefit of the other lawyers who contributed to the politicians’ campaign coffers.Litigation America’s favorite pastime. Long arm statutes Laws that allows lawyers to reach into your pockets without your express written consent.<a name="M"></a>-M-<a name="Malpractice lawsuit">Malpractice lawsuit</a> When a lawyer, renown for his or her improper and negligent professional behavior, brings a lawsuit against a doctor accusing the doctor of improper and negligent professional behavior. Takes one to know one?Mediation An alternative method for resolving disputes between parties in which a neutral third party called the mediator attempts to facilitate a settlement. When the parties fail to reach an agreement, they are free to hammer each other with a lawsuit.Miranda warning The statement recited by a police officer to individuals being arrested and taken into custody, warning them that if they don’t come clean right this minute, the police are going to sic a lawyer on them.Misdemeanor A colloquial expression for a well known fact in the legal community that if the trial runs long and the judge has to miss lunch, demeanor the judge gets.Misrepresentation The highly specialized field of legal representation that the majority of lawyers in America specialize in. Mistrial When your lawyer oversleeps and misses your trial, leaving you hung out to dry.Mitigating circumstances When the lawyer finds out you’ve run out of money and drops your case like a hot potato.Motion A request by a lawyer asking the judge to issue a ruling or order on a legal matter, usually successful when accompanied with an envelope of cash.<a name="N"></a>-N-Negligence Legal principle that holds that everyone, with the notable exception of lawyers and judges who are exempt from same, have a duty to ensure that their actions do not cause harm to others.Negotiations The act of determining whether the lawyer will take 50% or 60% of the money awarded to his or her clients.Next of kin A person you can borrow money from to help pay your lawyer bills.<a name="O"></a>-O-Oath The act of the witness raising his or her right hand while the lawyer deftly reaches into said witness’ right pocket.Obstruction of justice Defined by law to be any act which impedes or obstructs the administration of justice; also known as every act taken by every lawyer every day of his or her life.Open and shut case Open your wallet and shut your mouth. Order in the Court The statement the judge typically hollers at the top of his or her lungs to a calamitous courtroom as he or she simultaneously pounds the gavel into smithereens, attempting to assert control and restore order to the courtroom. Once order has been satisfactorily restored and the trial resumes, the judge can doze off again. Organized crime The United States legal system at work.Out of court settlement Settlement put together before the court has rendered its decision whereby the lawyers representing the litigants determine how much each of the lawyers involved will receive.<a name="P"></a>-P-Paralegal A person who works for a lawyer and does a limited amount of legal assist work for the lawyer but is not actually a lawyer himself or herself, thereby allowing the lawyer to rack up additional fees from unsuspecting clients. Parole The supervised release of prisoners before their terms are over, insuring that lawyers will have a steady supply of repeat customers.Penalty phase of the trial The part of the trial when the lawyers start talking.Peremptory challenge Specified number of challenges a lawyer may use to eliminate potential jurors during jury selection - without stating that the reason the person is being excused is because the individual may be able to see through the lawyer’s bullshit. Perjury When a lawyer’s client actually gets caught lying under oath.Perpetuity The typical length of time it takes for a case to wind its way through the legal process.Pettifogger A dishonest, underhanded shyster who sustains his or her professional career through a myriad of disreputable, dirty dealings. In the legal profession, simply known as a managing partner in a law firm. Petty offense Minor crimes, such as traffic violations, that petty lawyers can pettily amplify into a ton of petty legal fees to be paid by the petty offender.Plaintiff The person who initiates a lawsuit. Known as the “sewer.”Plea bargain A negotiated agreement between the defense attorney and the prosecution in a criminal proceeding. Typically when the lawyer cuts a deal with the prosecution allowing his client to plead guilty to a lesser charge, thereby allowing the client to keep his or her job and keep making progress payments on the legal bill owed to the lawyer.<a name="Post lawyer syndrome">Post lawyer syndrome</a> The financial and mental plight of the client after dealing with a lawyer. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Insolvent">Insolvent</a>."Power of attorney The power laden adrenaline rush a lawyer feels every time he sees his reflection in a mirror. Preponderance of evidence What the lawyer does before he ponders the evidence.Presumption of guilt The assumption on the lawyer’s part that everyone is at fault for everything. This assumption of guilt can be easily rectified once you have forked over the requisite retainer fee to lawyer. Upon payment of fee, you are then said to be presumed innocent. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Presumption of innocence">Presumption of innocence</a>."<a name="Presumption of innocence">Presumption of innocence</a> A hypothetical theorem derived from early prehistoric times that postulated a person was presumed innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. This bothersome outdated assumption has long since been dismissed by law school professors and their law school students as irrelevant and wholly immaterial.Prima facie Latin for “at first sight,” as in when you first knew you were screwed when you met your public defender for the first time. Probate The formal certificate given by the probate court that attests that the will has been validated and that the lawyers can now divvy up the estate between them. Probation When the lawyer gave the judge enough dough to keep his client out of jail, but not enough to get the client completely off the hook.Pro bono Lawyers who prefer Sonny over Cher.Pro se Latin phrase that means “for himself.” It has been said that a person who represents himself in court is said to have a fool for a lawyer - but who’s really going to notice the difference anyway?Prostitute A person who screws another person for money. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Lawyer">Lawyer</a>." Public defender A lawyer who is too lazy to get a real job.Punitive damages Money awarded to a victim intended to punish a defendant and stop that business or individual from repeating the same kind of disgraceful conduct that lawyers get away with every single day.<a name="Q"></a>-Q-<a name="Quid pro qou">Quid pro qou</a> Latin for “something for something.” Generally an agreement between the lawyer and the judge wherein the lawyer slides the judge some cash under the table in exchange for letting the lawyer’s client off the hook; or an agreement between lawyer and client wherein client slides lawyer money to slide to the judge to get the client out of hot water.<a name="R"></a>-R-Reasonable doubt When the lawyer hasn’t received the check covering his latest billing statement to you on time, he is said to be suffering from a case of reasonable doubt. Rescind Whenever the lawyer’s first bill isn’t paid on time, the lawyer will typically rescind another.Res Ipsa Loquiter Latin for “the thing speaks for itself.” Modern day legal interpretation is “the lawyer never shuts his trap, even for a few minutes.”<a name="Retainer">Retainer</a> The sizable up front and nonrefundable initial payment made to the lawyer before you come to your senses.Right of first refusal The unalienable right conferred upon law school graduates that decrees that they have the right to never take less than one third of any settlement and not less than forty percent of any judgment, plus expenses of course.Rule of law Lawyers make the rules - and that’s the law.<a name="S"></a>-S-Search warrant A court order signed by a judge that grants a lawyer the right to enter your property and search for spare change between your couch cushions.Sentence What you’ll never get to finish with a lawyer around - until the judge gives you one.Sequester The act of locking a group of jurors in a room and then expecting them to all agree on a verdict after they have been subjected to countless hours of confusing testimony, conflicting statements and legal mumbo jumbo they don’t understand and couldn’t care less about. Service When an individual or company is “served” with a lawsuit. Also known on the streets as getting screwed.Servitude Taken from Roman law, the insolent attitude needed to serve someone with a lawsuit. Silent partner What you become once you enlist the services of a lawyer.Slander Calling a lawyer a cheat and a crook when the correct verbiage would have been a shyster and a scoundrel.Small claims court A regular court that deals with claims of lesser value and enjoys simpler rules of procedure. Due to the law of economics and the small potato cases involved (not enough money for lawyers to make any real serious cheese), small claims courts also enjoys a decided dearth of lawyers.Solicitor From old English law where solicitors were lawyers who gave oral or written advice but did not appear in court (those who litigated were called barristers), has evolved in 21st Century American law to mean ambulance chaser. Statutes Carefully constructed laws written by legislating lawmaker lawyers who used to lawbreaker lawyers so that when they stop being lawmakers they can become lawbreakers once again.Subpoena A handy little tool a lawyer uses to command that a witness present himself or herself at a given place, a given time and on a given date regardless of whether or not the time, place or date is convenient for the witness. Then after the witness makes himself or herself available as stipulated, the lawyer lets the witness cool his or her heels for an hour or two in the waiting room.Summation When the lawyer adds up your outstanding tab.Summons A legal document that crams a lawsuit up your butt. Supersedeas Latin for when a group of super seedy lawyers get together. This group is said to be “supersedeas."Surgeon general’s warning A warning affixed to each pack of cigarettes that states “smoking like a fiend can make you and your lawyers very rich.”<a name="T"></a>-T-Tort Derived from the French law, meaning a “wrong.” In American jurisprudence, a tort is a civil wrong that results in an injury to a person and millions of dollars for the lawyer.Trust A firm belief in the honesty and integrity of another; a commodity in very short supply when dealing with lawyers. <a name="U"></a>-U-Unjust enrichment When classless class action clowns (AKA lawyers) take millions of in fees and their class action clients get a coupon.Usufruct Taken from ancient Roman law meaning the rights to the product of another person’s property, evolved into modern American legal interpretation of “rights to the client’s checkbook.” <a name="V"></a>-V-Venue The location of the judicial hearing. Lawyers prefer venues in which they have some degree of influence with the judge presiding. See “<a href="http://www.power-of-attorneys.com/legal_definitions.htm#Change of venue">Change of venue</a>."Verdict The formal decision rendered by the jury or judge in a trial based on which of the lawyers’ lies seemed the most credible.Void The empty space between the lawyer’s ears.Voir dire A fancy French term for interviewing prospective jurors and systematically eliminating anyone with an IQ over 20 from the jury.<a name="W"></a>-W-Waiver A client who has given the lawyer his or her money is said to have waived his or her right to ever see the money again. This person is called a waiver, having waved the money good-bye.Whiplash A severe jolting of the neck generally caused by the impact associated with an automobile collision, usually accompanied by a severe bone crushing jolt of ambulance chasing lawyers piling on top of the injured individual. Will A written and signed statement, executed by an individual, that provides how his or her estate will be divided among the lawyers presiding over said estate.Without prejudice A lawyer who is always willing to take money from anyone and everyone is said to be without prejudice. Witness An individual who swears to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and then proceeds to tell the story the way his lawyer instructed him to tell it.<a name="X"></a>-X-Xerox a copy When a lawyer gets his or her secretary to copy documents for your case and then turns around and charges you fifty cents per copied page. Copying a nice stack of papers can pay the lawyer's office rent for a month. Also known as a profit center for lawyers.<a name="Y"></a>-Y-Yawn What a lawyer must fight back while listening to you spin your tale of woe. <a name="Z"></a>-Z-Zero The amount of money a client has remaining in his or her bank account after being fleeced by the lawyer.

د. أحـمـد اللَّيثـي
رئيس الجمعية الدولية لمترجمي العربية
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Humourous LEGAL DEFINITIONS

إحصائيات Arabic Translators International _ الجمعية الدولية لمترجمي العربية